I don’t know about the rest of the country, but round these parts, you can sure tell a lot about your gal just by the PJ’s that she wears. Think I’m kidding around don’t ya…well listen up, this is no joke. I put quite a bit of thought to my theory.
It all started the other morning when listing to my favorite radio program (Bob and Tom) when it hit me. The program has a advertisement that runs around this time every year. Maybe you’ve of heard it…it’s for the Pajama Gram. From the ad you would think that every woman’s secret desire for the Valentine holiday is for her someone special to send out a hat box with a beautiful set of jammies, lavender-scented sachet and “do not disturb” sign right to her office to open in front of all her broken hearted and lonely co-workers. Now don’t get me wrong on this one…it’s a nice gift, and a thoughtful gesture. But this is where it all ends. What gentleman is going to go to all that work to order his sweetheart a set of garments he has no desire to ever see her wear?
Men, listen to me…this gift is a fight waiting to happen. While the company invites you to select PJ’s from a number of different styles and fabric choices, no one choice is going to get you laid on Valentine’s.
Let’s work this into a little situation for you, shall we? Say Bert wants to let his wife know how much he cares this holiday.
Bert goes to the web site and orders something sexy and slinky. Sally, his wife, (hopefully) gets a lovely package at the office on Valentine’s Day. She opens the beautiful box right in front of her boss and other ladies in the secretary pool. Instantly, she reddens with embarrassment, what would Bert imply by this gift, that she is a floozy that slips into what ever he demands to fulfill his manly needs and desires? Sally is going to march in the house that evening and rip into Bert for making her look the fool in front of the whole office. The lovely scented sachet is going to end up somewhere the sun doesn’t shine, because this could imply that she stinks, and the only thing that she will have found useful is the door hanger, because now, Bert, is sleeping on the couch tonight. This situation only gets worse if you take a stab at Sally’s size. Order something to big and you imply that she needs to loose weight, something to small on the other hand, and you have just reminded her that she no longer fits into her wedding dress, possibly ending in remarks along the line of “was this sent to me as a sign of what you really want?” or “is this your secretary’s size?” Oh and just remember…Sally is not going to look anything like the lady on the packaging, once again making her break down and cry hysterically every time she sees them.
Now let’s say that Bert has gone this route before and decides to play it safe. Sally opens the box this time and pulls out a frumpy pair of flannel PJ’s. Now, by this choice, Bert has made it known to all that he no longer expects to get any action on Valentine’s day. Sally probably thinks that bets around the office will be about when the last time she actually shaved her legs, or how many times a week she fakes a headache around her loving husband. Everyone at the office really is thinking this by the way…cause as women, we know that when the frumpy flannel PJ’s come out…it’s that time of the month! The worst way to go with this option is to make sure that it has a pattern of her most favorite food or leisure activity…implying that all she likes in life is lying around and eating or working on crossword puzzles.
Pajama Gram offers the other classic style, known to woman as the Wal-mart PJ. Yea this is the choice of a wife beater style tank top and lounge pants that somehow comes across to white trash American’s that it is OK to run down to the store in your PJ’s. Just a note…it’s Not OK. When Sally opens this box, her co-workers know that she shaves and gives you a little action every night. In fact they even think that Sally has now done it in places that most civilized people wouldn’t dream of getting it on. This also says to her friends at the office, don’t stop by my place on the weekends, unless you want to see all my junk hanging around with out the support of undergarments, cause Bert and I will be having casual Friday all weekend long in the trailer park.
Now if Bert tries the gown, he is really asking for it. This is what Sally’s mother and possibly her grandmother wear. If you think that it’s safe, think again. Unless Sally is over 60 this is only going to make her feel old. She has no desire to wear this for Valentine’s…she also has no desire to wear the moo-moo that someone at the office Christmas party will buy for her later in the year, which will once again place you on the couch for the night!
Now if you feel Bert’s pain in all this, don’t try to escape. Trust me Valentine’s day is going to bite you any way it can. Flowers and candy are nice, but every woman I know will just bitch about how much you spent on flowers that will die and the candy that they can’t eat because they have been trying to stick to their diet…which we all know is a lie. Jewelry is the same, unless you have specific instructions on the piece of jewelry that she wants, it’s all a waste of money and most likely 5 to 6 hour at the mall that you will never get back.
My idea…play it cool. Go with the Vermont Teddy Bear.