Kids cost how much? I’ll take that one…thank you

 ss_beauty.jpgCan anyone explain to me why the big man upstairs sees fit to let people who have no desire to have children get pregnant? I just don’t understand.

The old’ man and myself have been doing the fertility thing for 5 years and we just don’t have the drive (scheduled sex is not always a turn on) let alone the funds to continue.

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We have looked in to adoption and really don’t have a clue where to start.

The first place I called was very nice but the first question she asked me was if we were interested in “white only” adoptions. When I told her that we really hadn’t made any type of choice along that line she gave me another place to call, she didn’t want to waste her time with me if I didn’t even know the answer to that question and she only deals with “black” children.

After staring at the phone astonished, I tried the second number. It was a larger organization, that much I could tell by the welcome message and hold music to reach an operator. When the friendly voice came over the phone I once again awkwardly asked a few questions and was flabbergasted with the information I was given.  I found out that I’m not the only person in the world trapped in the “You’ve been married how long and don’t have any children?” situation. Of course from the infertility clinic I had been going to I knew this, but I was floored by the price she gave me. This agency specializes in Caucasian adoptions, and we would be put on a waiting list for birth mothers to choose from. Which means that we could be 6 months to never before a birth mother to ever finds us. After the process starts we could expect the fees to be anywhere from $5000 to $40,000, depending on all the factors. But this wouldn’t include anything like travel to get the baby or if the mother is in a young mother facility and she wants the adoptive family to pay her expenses. But she told me not to worry because I didn’t have to enter a contract until I had a better estimate on the cost, per potential child of course.

At this point I hung up the phone and cried until the old man came home. We had been so lucky with our infertility; our medical insurance had covered 80% after deductibles. That is the only way we could do it. Then the old man remembered that his company offered an adoption fund, they would help us out.

So I called the number given to us from the personal department in hopes of the best. I sheepishly asked all the questions and was shocked to find that they could help offset the fees by 80%. I nearly fell off my chair. I was delighted.  Then she continued that the benefits covered the cost up to $4000. Once again my heart sank. I finished up the call and told her that I would get back to her once we had more information. I’ve never said another word to the old man about it again.

I just don’t know that if a birth mother approached me and we found the costs to exceed our limits that I wouldn’t have a mental breakdown. Resources in Utah seem to be small, unless you can want to go through the Mormon Church. I did call once and get a package in the mail from the Dave Thomas Foundation (Wendy’s) but I just cried and put it in a stack of magazines to file threw later.

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8 thoughts on “Kids cost how much? I’ll take that one…thank you

  1. Hi there–
    don’t give up just after a few phone calls–there’s lots and lots to learn before making the big leap, so feel free to do lots of research. Adoption doesn’t have to be as expensive as all that, depending on the route you go. Infertility stuff is crazy and frustrating isn’t it??

  2. Can anyone explain to me why the big man upstairs sees fit to let people who have no desire to have children get pregnant? I just don’t understand.

    Respectfully — it’s a misperception among people who aren’t very familiar with adoption, but the reality is that the women who relinquish their babies for adoption do so not because they don’t want them, but typically because they somehow think (often mistakenly) that they don’t have the resources to properly care for them.

    There are many blogs of first mothers (what are often called birth mothers) that you can read for a better understanding of what their journeys have been like, if you want.

    A few of particular note are Birth/ First Parent Blog, The Chronicles of Munchkin Land, Paragraphein, and Reunion Writings. If you do decide to pursue adoption, it’s a very good idea to read these and more blogs of first mothers and to read blogs of adult adoptees.

    Whatever you do decide, I wish you all the best in your quest to have a child. I write as a mom to a 5-year-old boy from Vietnam.

  3. Working at the medical clinic we see lots of young teens (13-18) that had oopsies. This just frustrates me. They all seem like nice young girls but I just want to ring their necks and let out all my frustrations on them. I know that these things happen for all sorts of reasons…first “True Love” and rape victims among them. I just hate to see the mothers that come in and keep their kids and then you see the State come in and take them away for neglect or abuse. The old man’s cousin just had her # 2 son and she has no idea where # 1 is because of the same type if thing. To her parties and drugs are just more important. 8)

  4. Ahhh yes, well — that certainly would color one’s perspective. I write from the perspective of someone who has met in person an amazing first mother who’s educated, intelligent, and talented and cyber-met a lot of other very intelligent first moms who could have easily raised their children and now regret that they aren’t.

    Clearly you’re writing from different experiences. My one sister, who has worked for a county court system in the juvenile section for 25+ years, also sees things differently than I do — different experiences.

    That’s sad about your old man’s cousin. Sad mostly because yes, kids are the ones who get dragged into this and they certainly don’t deserve it.

  5. I don’t think not getting pregnant has anything to do with God. You have my empathy, after five years it looks like i won’t be getting pregnant. I think it’s like why are some of us prettier than others and why can some of us sing better and why are some of us living in bigger houses…..It’s not my view that God plays favourites.

    I very much wanted my daughter, I just didn’t feel that I had what she needed when she was born.

  6. it sounds very expensive and frustrating, but don’t give up. there are so many agencies, orphanages, and private adoption sites, use the internet to it’s fullest and find out everything you can.

    i’m praying for you!

  7. I get you. I completely, totalllly understand where you’re coming from. I do. I have an entry that is sooo similar to this because our stories are soooo much alike. Married 6 years, havent conceived, I dont want to do the pill thing in fear of multiples. We’ve thought about the adoption route, but when I started calling around, the possiblities are very slim as there just isn’t a need for that around here, and I’d rather do it local.
    I dont understand why the man upstairs gives people children that don’t want them, that kill them, that smother them and hide them and and and .. they don’t deserve babies, and here we are, you and me, and we want them .. and can’t get them. So disheartening.
    I send some good thoughts your way. Sounds like you need ’em.

  8. Joebec- thanks

    Red- baby doll needs a lil bro or sis… I’ll see if I can pull some strings for ya. Thanks for letting me know that it’s not just me that is heartbroken monthly, it can be a real disapointment.

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